text collections

Josh Billings Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Josh Billings you don’t find here.

More on Josh Billings: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Billings.

The trouble with people is not that they don’t know but that they know so much that ain’t so.
– Josh Billings

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
– Josh Billings

There is gravity in wisdom, but no particular wisdom in gravity.
– Josh Billings

There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
– Josh Billings

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
– Josh Billings

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
– Josh Billings

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.
– Josh Billings

A learned fool is one who has read everything, and simply remembered it.
– Josh Billings

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
– Josh Billings

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
– Josh Billings

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George Bernard Shaw Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by George Bernard Shaw you don’t find here.

More on George Bernard Shaw: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Bernard_Shaw.

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
– George Bernard Shaw

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience!
– George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.
– George Bernard Shaw

A doctor’s reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.
– George Bernard Shaw

Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.
– George Bernard Shaw

Fashions are induced epidemics.
– George Bernard Shaw

An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
– George Bernard Shaw

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Quotations about Cats

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations about cats you don’t find here.

Dogs come when they are called. Cats take a message and get back to you later.
– Mary Bly

When the cat and mouse agree, the grocer is ruined.
– Persian Proverb

Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.
– Oliver Herford

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
– Jeff Valdez

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
– Steven Wright

Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.
– Sir Julian Huxley

Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
– Ambrose Bierce

I do not know what the cat can have eaten. Usually I know exactly what the cat has eaten. Not only have I fed it to the cat, at the cat’s insistence, but the cat has thrown it up on the rug, and someone has tracked it all the was over on to the other rug. I do not know why cats are such habitual vomiters. They do not seem to enjoy it, judging by the sounds they make while doing it. It’s their nature. A dog is going to bark. A cat is going to vomit.
– Roy Blount Jr.

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Ambrose Bierce Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Ambrose Bierce you don’t find here.

Note: I’ve got quite a bit of The Devil’s Dictionary included here.

More on Ambrose Bierce: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambrose_Bierce.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
– Ambrose Bierce

A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be.
– Ambrose Bierce

A cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man, and never fails to see a bad one. He is the human owl, vigilant in darkness, and blind to light, mousing for vermin, and never seeing noble game.
– Ambrose Bierce

A man is known by the company that he organizes.
– Ambrose Bierce

A penny saved is a penny to squander.
– Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
– Ambrose Bierce

Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
– Ambrose Bierce

Quoting, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
– Ambrose Bierce

Specialist, n. One who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
– Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
– Ambrose Bierce

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W. C. Fields Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by W. C. Fields you don’t find here.

More on W. C. Fields: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W.C._Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
– W.C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
– W.C. Fields

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
– W.C. Fields

Somebody put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
– W.C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
– W.C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
– W.C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.
– W.C. Fields

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
– W.C. Fields

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
– W.C. Fields

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
– W.C. Fields

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Mae West Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Mae West you don’t find here.

More on Mae West: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mae_West.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.
– Mae West

So many men, so little time.
– Mae West

It’s not the men in my life; it’s the life in my men.
– Mae West

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
– Mae West

I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
– Mae West

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
– Mae West

I’ve been in more laps than a napkin.
– Mae West

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
– Mae West

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
– Mae West

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
– Mae West

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.
– Mae West

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
– Mae West

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
– Mae West

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I’ve never tried before.
– Mae West

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me, rich is better.
– Mae West

I always say, keep a diary, and some day it’ll keep you.
– Mae West

It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then. As long as you don’t break any.
– Mae West

It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
– Mae West

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
– Mae West

Woody Allen Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Woody Allen you don’t find here.

More on Woody Allen: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woody_allen.

I am at two with nature.
– Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
– Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
– Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
– Woody Allen

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
– Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
– Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen

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Mark Twain Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. I’m starting with Mark Twain because we’re coming up on the 100th anniversary of his death and he’ll be in the news for a while. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any Twain quotations you don’t find here.

More on Mark Twain http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_twain.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
— Mark Twain

If the world ends, I’ll just head on down to Kentucky because they’re always 20 years behind.

— Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.
— Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt–and children.
— Mark Twain

Principles aren’t of much account, anyway, except at election time.
— Mark Twain

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
— Mark Twain

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
— Mark Twain

Everything has its limit–iron cannot be educated into gold.
— Mark Twain

There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.
— Mark Twain

Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts.
— Mark Twain

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t.
— Mark Twain

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
— Mark Twain

Temperate temperance is best; intemperate temperance injures the cause of temperance.
— Mark Twain

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