Fran Lebowitz Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Fran Lebowitz you don’t find here.

More on Fran Lebowitz: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fran_Lebowitz

Twenty-four hour room service generally refers to the length of time that it takes for the club sandwich to arrive.
– Fran Lebowitz

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.
– Fran Lebowitz

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.
– Fran Lebowitz

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
– Fran Lebowitz

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.
– Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
– Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
– Fran Lebowitz

Civilized adults do not take apple juice with dinner.
– Fran Lebowitz

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.
– Fran Lebowitz

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obviose confections, children tend to be sticky.
– Fran Lebowitz

Favorite animal: steak.
– Fran Lebowitz

He was audibly tan.
– Fran Lebowitz

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
– Fran Lebowitz

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
– Fran Lebowitz

I walk a lot in New York, not for the exercise but to get from place to place, and because it’s the way of having the least contact with human beings.
– Fran Lebowitz

I’m sure that being sober all these years accounts for my ill humor.
– Fran Lebowitz

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
– Fran Lebowitz

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on to something.
– Fran Lebowitz

It’s much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It’s harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.
– Fran Lebowitz

Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.
– Fran Lebowitz

Nature has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
– Fran Lebowitz

Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn’t known you long enough.
– Fran Lebowitz

No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
– Fran Lebowitz

Nothing succeeds like address.
– Fran Lebowitz

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.
– Fran Lebowitz

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
– Fran Lebowitz

Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many–even more–things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.
– Fran Lebowitz

Success didn’t spoil me; I’ve always been insufferable.
– Fran Lebowitz

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
– Fran Lebowitz

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.
– Fran Lebowitz

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
– Fran Lebowitz

Will power is not telling anybody you quit smoking.
– Fran Lebowitz

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.
– Fran Lebowitz

You can’t go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
– Fran Lebowitz

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