Groucho Marx Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Groucho Marx you don’t find here.

More on Groucho Marx: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groucho_marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
– Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!
– Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
– Groucho Marx

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
– Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
– Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
– Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
– Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
– Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
– Groucho Marx

A man is as old as the woman he feels.
– Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
– Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
– Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
– Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
– Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
– Groucho Marx

I’ll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now–you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I’ll know you.
– Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
– Groucho Marx

My mother loved children–she would have given anything if I had been one.
– Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.
– Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
– Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
– Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
– Groucho Marx

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