Woody Allen Quotations

I’ve been collecting quotations for years and figured I’d put my collections online for others to use as they wish. Enjoy these quotations, use the comment form to share any quotations by Woody Allen you don’t find here.

More on Woody Allen: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woody_allen.

I am at two with nature.
– Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
– Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
– Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
– Woody Allen

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
– Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
– Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
– Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
– Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
– Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
– Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
– Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
– Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
– Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
– Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
– Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
– Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
– Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
– Woody Allen

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
– Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
– Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
– Woody Allen

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
– Woody Allen

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
– Woody Allen

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